If He Had Been With Me

 October 7th, 2023

Review #1

⭐⭐⭐⭐

😭😭😭

"This is friendship, and it is love, but I already know what they have not learned yet; how dangerous friendship is, how damaging love can be." pg.205. 

Laura Nowlin writes a gripping, heartfelt, agonizing, and captivating book. Written from the perspective of a teenage girl who is just navigating the world around her and trying to find out how she fits in, and the complex emotions that have flitted through our own brains as teenagers.

This book had me constantly questioning whether or not I was able to read it to the end. Not because I didn't think it wasn't a good book, but because waiting for the worst part, was agonizing.

At first it starts off so great, and you love the aspect of Phineas and Autumn's friendship. It reads almost like a love letter in a way. Autumn is clearly in love with Phineas, but she is refusing her feelings for him and stuffing them away because she is dating Jamie. She describes Jamie, as her future. She'll get a job teaching and she'll write books during the summer, and they'll have children and live in this Victorian house, and Jamie will get a job working in the city. I will be 100% honest, I am a hopeless romantic, and in no way shape or form am I a fan of Jamie. Jamie reads as a normal high school douche bag who thinks the world revolves around him and his charm. 

What kills me, is that Autumn wants to dump him, but she's afraid. She's afraid of what it will do to her friends and how Jamie will react, and she is afraid that she will be on her own. Part of growing up is heartbreak, I think we can all agree that we have all been in Autumn's shoes. But reading this as an adult, you kind of just want to shake Autumn and tell her to follow her heart before it's too late. 

 And of course, the obvious happens, Jamie is a douche bag, who cheated on Autumn with her best friend, and then proceeds to blame her for the reason he is breaking up her. Classy dude, right? I wanted to throw the book at that point. But then Finn... Classic, boy next door, best friend to the rescue. It's the summer before college and they spend all summer together. And I mean they are inseparable. At this point you just know that Finn has had feelings for Autumn forever, only to be confirmed by one of Finn's friends, Jack.

 You start to see this come together and you figure that this is going to be a HEA. But this book isn't titled: "He is with me." no no, its titled, "If He Had Been With Me." And you know some bad shit is going to happen. Just when things get good, and by that, I mean, Autumn and Phineas told each other how they felt about each other and slept together, and then promised to be together, that the inevitable finally happens.

 "Phineas Smith died, August 8th."

It's heart breaking. Losing your best friend, realizing that was the love of your life, and now navigating a world where they no longer reside. It's a beautiful and complex read for sure.

** My rating system is just a bit different. You will notice that I have two rating systems. The stars are for the overall rate of how good this book is and the crying faces are for the emotional rating.**